I attended a meditation retreat and achieved the deepest most energizing meditation I’ve ever been in. I set the intention of being at peace and not scattered. I’ve also been working on releasing my craving for marriage.
The next morning I had a nightmare about other men which led to several insights:
I felt alone and vulnerable in the dream. I realized upon awaking and reflecting on the dream that I blamed my 1st husband for not protecting me, not taking care of me, and not valuing me. I refused to have children with him and I now suspect it was because I knew he couldn’t protect and care for them either.
My 2nd husband was over protective, possessive, jealous, controlling, and abusive. My part was ignoring all this, marrying him, and having a child with him. I thought he would protect us, but he was really too selfish and self-centered to care for anyone but himself. Living with him was even more miserable and I abandoned him to protect my child by myself. I lived in the extremes - too much or too little protection.
My 3rd husband was more aware yet aloof with his drinking and disconnected as a result. I felt he would protect me and it was him I called out for in the dream. He would if he could, but he wasn’t always sober enough to be present or aware of danger.
I saw from the dreams that my desire to seek and find a husband has to do with a deep seated need for protection. I realized that my only true protection comes from God and by putting God first in my life I can feel secure with or without a husband, a partner.
