I attended a meditation retreat and achieved the deepest most energizing meditation I’ve ever been in.  I set the intention of being at peace and not scattered.  I’ve also been working on releasing my craving for marriage.

The next morning I had a nightmare about other men which led to several insights:
I felt alone and vulnerable in the dream.  I realized upon awaking and reflecting on the dream that I blamed my 1st husband for not protecting me, not taking care of me, and not valuing me.  I refused to have children with him and I now suspect it was because I knew he couldn’t protect and care for them either.

My 2nd husband was over protective, possessive, jealous, controlling, and abusive.  My part was ignoring all this, marrying him, and having a child with him.  I thought he would protect us, but he was really too selfish and self-centered to care for anyone but himself.  Living with him was even more miserable and I abandoned him to protect my child by myself.  I lived in the extremes  - too much or too little protection.

My 3rd husband was more aware yet aloof with his drinking and disconnected as a result.  I felt he would protect me and it was him I called out for in the dream.  He would if he could, but he wasn’t always sober enough to be present or aware of danger. 

I saw from the dreams that my desire to seek and find a husband has to do with a deep seated need for protection.  I realized that my only true protection comes from God and by putting God first in my life I can feel secure with or without a husband, a partner.